For When You Mourn Who You Were Before Scrupulosity OCD

Church feels overwhelming. You don’t feel like you can participate in your religion that same way you used to. You’re not sure how to get back to who you used to be before you entered Scrupulosity Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) treatment. 

Each of these instances describe experiences many people with Religious OCD may go through – and it can be incredibly disorienting! Because not only are you going through the intense fear that comes with exposure therapy, but these changes can also make you start to wonder who you even are anymore.

I’ve learned that a lot of these feelings stem from a sense of mourning your past religious experiences. And it’s interesting, because this can be the case even when the individual is doing much better now than they were when they were fully active in their religion.

However, when you consider the nature of Scrupulosity OCD, including how sufferers tend to view religion as their entire identity, the occurrence of these feelings almost seems like a natural progression. In fact, for people whose main focus was living the gospel, nurturing a relationship with God and serving others, those things tend to be their sense of purpose or even the source of their self-love. So no wonder we mourn when that changes!

But just knowing that those feelings are normal doesn’t necessarily make them easier. Keep reading to discover how you can navigate them.

Scrupulosity OCD recovery changes everything

These feelings of mourning can be like looking at the past through rose-colored glasses or viewing the hyper-religious self as a better version of who you are. And there could even be some truth to that first sentiment! Religion can bring a sense of peace, joy and grounding. It can help people feel whole.

However, for me and many others, receiving a Scrupulosity OCD diagnosis can be like taking wool off of your eyes. You begin to see the OCD for what it is, and may realize that many of your religious experiences were simply a by-product of the disorder. Because of that, it can be impossible for the individual to simply go back to the way things were before the diagnosis – no matter how difficult that may be or how much grief that brings on.

In my own experience, it became so difficult for me to decipher what had been God and what had been OCD that I had to start completely from scratch. Suddenly, I had to ask myself if I really believed in God, even though just a couple of months prior, God was everything to me!

These feelings brought me a profound sense of confusion. In fact, on a recent Sunday morning when I would normally be going to church, I decided to go for a run instead. As I ran past the church building and saw my neighbors walking into the building in their Sunday best, I felt like I was watching aliens. I was filled with mourning for the sense of certainty that I thought I had at the times in my life when I had been joining them.

Navigating mourning yourself during Scrupulosity OCD healing

The point is that even though recovery is the right thing to do, it is still hard. And not just because of the exposures. The purpose of this blog post is not only to validate those feelings of grief, but to let you know that if you’re doubting your faith or mourning your past self or feeling like you can’t even discern what’s God and what’s OCD, there’s an entire community of people who know exactly what that’s like. 

Lean on that community. Accept the ebbs and flows of faith and doubts and grief and recovery – just mourn and grieve and be. And one day, you’ll look back and realize just how far you’ve come.

For more information on OCD, check out this blog post.