What is OCD?

Hi, my name is Abbie, and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

(If I were speaking to you in person, imagine me laughing–it doesn't have to be that serious).

In fact, I actually only recently found out that what I thought my entire life was debilitating perfectionism, an inability to handle uncertainty, self-loathing and a tendency to get extremely worried about matters of religion (i.e. the eternal welfare of my soul) was actually OCD and not just... my personality.

What a relief that was! I think!

When my therapist diagnosed me with OCD in December of 2023, I was completely shocked. I didn’t obsessively wash my hands or lock doors, so why on earth was she diagnosing me with that? I quickly realized that I knew next to nothing about OCD. 

But unless I was the exception, and I don’t believe I was, I don’t think very many people know a whole lot about OCD. And I think it’s important that they do.

Symptoms of OCD

Here’s my “What is OCD” crash course:

In order to be diagnosed with OCD, an individual must go through the following cycle:

Although there are many different subtypes of OCD, this cycle is almost always the same. The only change would be the content of the obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors. 

For example, in my case, I have been diagnosed with a subtype of OCD called Scrupulosity (or religious) OCD. This particular subtype is characterized by individuals whose obsessions and compulsions generally revolve around moral or religious matters.

Here is an example of what the OCD cycle may look like for an individual with Scrupulosity OCD: 

This cycle is what differentiates those who have persistent worries and anxiety from those who actually have OCD.

A person without OCD can also worry that they did not repent correctly and God did not forgive them, and feel anxious about it, and then compulsively confess or pray to feel better. The differentiator is that for individuals without OCD, that prayer or confession would satisfy the worry and the cycle would not begin again.

Individuals with OCD are unable to achieve any level of certainty. Their entire world is filled

with doubt. No matter how many times they repent or confess or participate in a cleansing ritual, they will never be satisfied that they were, in fact, forgiven. 

They are stuck in an endless cycle of trying to resolve urgent panic that is actually, quite literally, impossible to resolve.

OCD treatment

OCD treatment involves exposing the individual to the fears revealed in the content of their obsessive thoughts and teaching them, over time, to not give in to a compulsion when that fear arises. 

OCD treatment is essentially about learning to live life with a never-ending sense of panic always lurking behind the scenes.

But all hope is not lost.

OCD is incurable; but that does not mean that learning to face fears and feel anxiety without seeking to compulsively escape those fears is impossible.

That means that after what can take years of work, OCD symptoms can become less intense and debilitating. Individuals with OCD can live happy lives. We just have to learn how to.

Living with OCD

What has kept me going is believing that one day, this OCD brain of mine will learn that maybe my fear doesn’t have to be in the driver’s seat anymore. 

That maybe I can choose how I would like to spend my time instead of letting OCD dictate that for me.

That maybe I will one day get to experience what it’s like to live a life without feeling so afraid and unsure.

OCD is maddening. 

And it is also not talked about enough.

According to the National Institutes of Health, it takes an average of 17 years for individuals to be accurately diagnosed with OCD and begin adequate treatment. 

I have been exhibiting symptoms of OCD since I was younger than eight years old. No therapist of mine ever even considered the possibility that I had OCD until I was nearly 27. 

So here I am. Learning. And hoping to help others learn, too. 

Thanks for being here. I look forward to sharing more of my stories with you.