People Admired Me for Having Scrupulosity OCD

By now you know that Scrupulosity Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder perpetuates problematic behaviors that wreak havoc on the life of the sufferer (and sometimes the lives of the people who love them). However, from the outside and on the surface, the very behaviors that are causing so much pain can actually appear to be admired by others. 

This can be quite confusing for Scrupulosity OCD sufferers because although they may be aware that their behaviors are causing them distress, they could become conflicted by the responses they are receiving from other people.

What Scrupulosity OCD looks like on the surface

To paint a clearer picture, here are some instances in which I was applauded for the behaviors I was exhibiting thanks to my Scrupulosity OCD:

First, I want to take it back to when I was 12 or 13 or so. Around this time, I started attending a week-long camping trip with other women and girls in my church during the summer. These camps tended to be intense spiritual experiences for me, and they often ended with me tearfully bearing my testimony to others. 

After one instance in which I had done so, one of the leaders in my church came up to me and referred to me as a “spiritual giant.” What they meant by that is that I was a good example of being incredibly in tune with God. In short, it was another way of saying, “You are the epitome of what we want the youth in the church to be like.”

There were multiple different ways people conveyed this to me. Maybe someone said, “I admire you for being so devoted to doing the right thing” or any other variation – but the message was always the same. 

In fact, one time I was in the hallway at church talking with my bishop about a recent speaking assignment I had been given. In response, he had said, “I always tell people whenever they need a speaker that they should ask you. You’re practically like a General Authority!” He was referring to the main leaders in my church. I was 17. 

So, yes – my Scrupulosity OCD was causing unimaginable difficulty in my life. But how could I know if that was actually real when everyone else seemed to think I was a role model?

How compliments can reinforce behavior

On the flip side, however, some people did recognize that religion was perhaps playing a larger role in my life than it should have. One particular event stands out in my mind. It happened when I was nearly 19, at a time when I was preparing to be a missionary. I was even more obsessed with being obedient and worthy during this time and I spent a lot of time in the Bishop’s office confessing my “sins” (the quotation marks are necessary because one of these sins was playing The Sims).

My Bishop later attended one of my Sunday School lessons. He was there to give a presentation about preparing to go to the temple (a place you can go to make covenants with God if you are worthy to do so). During his presentation, my Bishop made the comment, “When you’re preparing to enter the temple, you don’t need to be like Abbie. I mean, you don’t need to confess to me that you stole a stick of bubble gum when you were five!”

My own parents even talked to me on multiple occasions about my relationship with religion. But the thing was that I never took any of these types of comments to heart – in fact, I took them as compliments! They made me feel noble.

Perfectionism isn't the goal

Here’s the thing: when you constantly chase worthiness and enough-ness in the name of being close to God, you may appear “righteous” to others; but what you really get is floundering. In fact, actually being close to God has nothing to do with meticulously righting all your wrongs – that’s all just an OCD illusion to keep you trapped in the OCD cycle. 

What I’ve learned in my Scrupulosity OCD recovery is that the Spirit I was chasing so much? I feel it much more strongly in my life when I am being kind to myself. 

And let me be clear: I am not faulting the people who complimented me or expressed admiration to me. I’m simply seeking to educate others on what Scrupulosity OCD is, so that when necessary, the proper help can be encouraged, rather than reinforced.