"I Blame My Church for My Scrupulosity OCD"

People with Contamination Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) are unlikely to develop difficult feelings towards soap distribution companies or the World Health Organization. Those who suffer from Relationship, Harm, or other types of OCD may struggle to find an institution that could be responsible for the progression of their condition.

However, for individuals with Scrupulosity OCD, it’s not much of a stretch to blame a religious institution for the fact that they have OCD or that their mental health got as low as it did.

I’m not here to say that religious institutions don’t heavily impact people with Scrupulosity OCD, or that they aren't petri dishes for perfectionism. What I am here to say is that they aren't entirely to blame. In fact, I know people who suffer from Scrupulosity who were raised in non-religious households. 

Today, I want to talk about how the pain, and sometimes even trauma, that develops from the complicated relationship between an individual with Religious OCD and their faith can complicate the healing process – and what we can do about it. 

Scrupulosity OCD can hijack your faith

Scrupulosity OCD can lead to religion consuming a person’s entire sense of self. So when a diagnosis is received, they may begin to wonder: “Who am I without OCD?”

Considering this, it’s not surprising that many Scrupulosity OCD sufferers may develop a sense of bitterness towards their church, or even begin to believe that maybe if they weren’t raised religiously, they wouldn’t be suffering so much. 

I know firsthand how difficult and complicated this journey is. In fact, dealing with these emotions led to me avoiding attending my church, or doing anything to participate in my religious beliefs, altogether. 

At the time, I was unaware that avoidance was a compulsion. But by the time I became aware of that, I had already spiraled down to a place where I was questioning everything about my faith. 

It was the perfect storm.

Coping with uncertainty when you have Religious OCD

So how can you cope with the uncertainty of whether or not your faith is correct, or to blame, when you’re dealing with Scrupulosity OCD? 

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Ditching black and white thinking

Despite what your OCD tells you, you don’t have to choose between being all in or all out. If someone in your church says that you do, you can respond by telling yourself, “That’s a good idea – for other people!”

The truth is that you can be a member of your church while feeling bitter and resentful and doubtful and struggling with OCD and trying to chase your values and loving God and being confused. It’s okay to be a beautiful mess. You don’t have to have it all figured out. 

Learning to allow yourself to exist in a grey area is a key part in healing from OCD.

Accepting there are no answers to your questions

It’s a huge part of my religion to say, “I know that the church is true!” In fact, I used to say that! All of the time!

And that’s good and well, but ever since my OCD has attached to finding certainty about what I believe, I’ve had to introduce myself to the terrifying concept that the church may be true, or it may not be, and the cold hard truth is that I will never know. Nobody will.

So all I am able to do is decide what my values are and go with that! And that’s terrifying! But it’s also an integral step on the road of OCD recovery.

Personalizing religion - no matter what your OCD says

Ultimately, once you are aware of your Religious OCD, your relationship with religion will never be the same – and that is both heartbreaking and wonderful.

It’s heartbreaking because you may grieve the way that things used to be. It’s wonderful because you’re finally learning how to take care of yourself and develop a healthy relationship with faith.

But in order to stop allowing OCD to run the show when it comes to religion, you must find the courage and bravery to figure out what works for you and your mental health, even though you’re uncertain about whether that is the “right” thing to do or not.

This can be especially difficult when you’re hearing conflicting information from your therapist and your religious leader and your family and even the scriptures – but just like almost every other component of OCD treatment, it’s all about accepting uncertainty.

Healing from Scrupulosity OCD

Sometimes the uncertainty that comes with Scrupulosity OCD can feel much more high stakes because your "eternal salvation is on the line" – but you are not alone!

Click here for more information about Scrupulosity OCD.