Overcoming the Fear of Feeling Anxious

In the book “Comfortable with Uncertainty” by Pema Chödrön, there is a quote that says, “”Let fear soften you, not harden you into resistance.”

At first glance, that quote may not seem groundbreaking. However, I would argue that it is – especially for those who are looking for ways to overcome the fear of feeling anxious. Why? Keep reading.

The fear of feeling

Let’s break this down by splitting the quote in half. If we look only at the second half, it says, “Harden you into resistance.” But what does hardening into resistance look like in real life? 

An individual who avoids feeling their emotions by distracting themselves when such emotions come up is hardened into resistance. An individual who suppresses their emotions or attempts to push them down when they come up is also hardened into resistance. 

For example, let’s look at a real-life situation. I often have intense bouts of anxiety show up when I get home from work and turn on the television or try to read. This happens because I stress about whether or not I am being productive. 

When I am faced with this situation, there are two ways which I could react: 

First, I could start to worry about the fact that I am going to get anxious as soon as I get off of work. When I arrive at home, I could try to do everything I can to ensure the anxiety spike doesn’t happen. I could constantly check if I had gotten anxious yet or not.

Second, I could gently remind myself that I will probably feel anxious after work, but that that really doesn’t matter. I could notice the way the anxiety felt in my body when it did show up. I could do what makes me happy no matter how I felt. I could acknowledge my anxiety while being present with what is most important to me in the present moment. 

No matter how much I (and, I assume, most of us) wish I could say something different, most of the time, I go with option one. Why is that? 

The root of resistance often stems from our fear of experiencing emotions. Fear that it will be uncomfortable. Fear that it won’t go away. Fear that we’ll feel that way forever. 

So how can we overcome the fear of feeling? Let’s jump to the second half of the quote: “Let fear soften you.”

How to stop fearing your emotions

Letting fear soften you is all about accepting what it means to be human. It’s being flexible and open to whatever emotion comes your way – not in the sense of enjoying all of your emotions or submitting to them, but by understanding that the ebbs and flows of life are unavoidable. 

One way to ensure that you are letting fear soften you rather than harden you into resistance is to approach life with a goal of exhibiting mindfulness, or experiencing the present moment without judgement. Here are some examples of mindfulness techniques you can use to soften your response to fear and feeling your emotions:

• Sensory awareness: My favorite way to mindfully experience my emotions is to ground myself to what is actually happening around me. I do this by focusing on how my feet feel pressing into the ground below me and then naming 5 things I’m seeing, 4 things I’m feeling, 3 things I’m hearing, 2 things I’m smelling and 1 thing I’m tasting.

• Present-moment focus: Anchoring yourself to your values can also be incredibly helpful. What matters most to you? What matters most to you at this moment? When you start to resist or suppress your emotions or get sucked into them, try acknowledging that emotion and then gently bringing your attention back to what is important right now.

Mindfulness is the healthiest way to experience your emotions without getting consumed by them. As you practice it consistently, you can eventually learn how to accept anxiety, or any of your emotions, without judgement. You can come to realize and believe that anxiety, or any of your emotions, cannot physically harm you.

Managing anxiety with mindfulness

You deserve to feel all of your emotions while also experiencing what it’s like to feel them without letting them run your life. Letting fear soften you, rather than harden you into resistance, leads to greater resilience and well-being – and best of all, it is possible. 

For more information on how you can stop fearing your emotions and manage your anxiety with mindfulness, check out this resource.